Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
