FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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