That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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