so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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