my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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