Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
