I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
