I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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