I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You dont lie about slip and slides
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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