My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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