OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
