He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
