sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
