i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
