i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
