Swine flu. Run for my life!
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
