went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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