Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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