I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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