i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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