I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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