he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
