Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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