I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
