I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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