I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
