so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
