i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
