My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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