It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
