White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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