I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
