Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
