I hope my margaritas pass through security.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
