Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
50% drunk capacity currently
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
