turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
