I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
