its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
