Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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