i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
