I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I have feelings that need drinking.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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