You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
