i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
