He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
