you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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