please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
