I skipped work to stalk him.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
