Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
