I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
