It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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